I was lonely back then. I was depressed. I felt like I was being jailed in hell even if it is my own home, even if I am with my own family. Yes, for almost five years I felt like my life was a living hell, I even am a suicidal too. My parents drowned me in the ocean of sad thoughts like I was not good enough in whatever things that I do, that no matter how high I soar, I couldn’t still be an achiever. It was sad, actually. I hardly did my best for them to appreciate me and even I masqueraded myself as someone I thought is good enough for them yet I still end up to being a disappointment. In every ways they looked at me portrays that I am a failure.
I felt like I am nothing. I felt like my achievements were unappreciated, that they’re just void, that they meant nothing for them. And that was sad. I cried every night because that was all I think was the best thing to do - letting myself feel the pain until it hurts no more. And it was effective. I became numb for emotions, became immune, though there were still chances that their words could still strike me right into my chest as if it was a real knife. I am bleeding inside. But those happenings in my life droves me to strive for more and I am thankful for that. I am thankful in ways my parents hurt me, even if they are not aware doing that. I am thankful to those people who didn’t believe in me. If not because of them, I won’t be me now.
1 week ago —235 notes
1 week ago —135 notes
1 week ago —105 notes
Tol, nakikita mo ba yang babaeng yan? Nakikita mo ba yang babaeng halos matabas na yung bibig sa kakatawa at halos dinaig na ang mga bituin sa sobrang ningning ng mga mata? Nakikita mo ba? Pansin mo? Ganda niya no? Ayan oh nakakatuwa yung ngiti niya pati yung tunog ng halakhak niya, nakakadala eh. Ang mas nakakatuwa eh kahit napapalibutan siya ng mga magaganda, nagsta-stand out pa din yung ganda niya. Ewan ko ba. Ang ganda ganda niya talga eh. Kasi yung mga ngiti niya, yung kung paano kumurap yung mga mata niya, nakakapagpaliwanag sa paligid eh, kumbaga nakakadala at nakakadagdag positive energy sa paligid.
Alam mo ba dati hindi ganyan yan. Nakikita ko lang yan lage sa may gilid at mag-isa. Actually parati siyang mag-isa, mag-isang kumakain, mag-isang umuuwi, mag-isang naglalakad, at kaharap lang lage yung libro niya. Tapos yung mukha? Ay naku hindi mo talga maipinta. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ganun siya? Nakikita ko namang nagrereach out yung mga kaibigan niya sa kanya pero siya ata yung umiiwas lage. Para bang tinatakbuhan niya yung saya? Parang niyayakap niya lage yung lungkot at luha. Naabutan ko yan isang araw na umiiyak, wala siyang kasama nun. Yugyog ang balikat dahil sa kakaiyak. Naawa ako. Para ding may kutsilyong sumasaksak sa puso ko. Tol grabi nakakaawa. Hindi dapat siya ginaganyan.
Naisip ko lang kasi, ang ganda niya, ang bait niya at wala naman akong nakikitang rason para ganyanin siya pero bakit ganun? Bakit siya umiiyak ng ganyan? Bakit siya nagpapakalunod sa lungkot? Sino may gawa niyan sa kanya? Na tila parang wala naman yata siyang hinangad na iba kundi sumaya. Nayayamot ako ng mga panahong yun. Kasi alam mo? Sa mga babaeng kagaya niya? Dapat niyan kasi pinapasaya eh, kung paiiyakin mo man, dapat umiyak dahil sa sobrang tuwa, kung sasaktan mo man, dapat saktan ang chan dahil sa sobrang tawa. Ganun dapat eh at hindi ganyan, mag-isa lage, malungkot, pasan ang mundo at tila hindi na marunong ngumiti.
Nakikita mo ba yang babaeng yan tol? Nakikita mo ba ngayon yung sinayang mo? Mahal na mahal ka niyan. Hindi niya alintana ang pagtalikod ng mundo sa kanya dahil ang tanging mahalaga sa kanya eh ikaw pero ano? Pinili ka niya pero iniwan mo lang siya. Bakit ganun? Hindi ko maintindihan ang rason mo’t pinabayaan mo siya, kung bakit di mo siya inalagaan nung sayo pa. Nagsisisi ka ba? Parang nagsisisi ka nga. Yaan mo na, hanggang tingin ka nalang ngayon. Masaya na siya. Sa wakas ay naiahon na niya sarili niya mula sa putik ng iyong alaala. Talga nga naman ano? Saka lang natin marerealize ang halaga ng isang tao kung naka wala na siya. Tol mahirap hulihin ang taong kumawala na, parang siya?
1 week ago —325 notes
I was so in love with you.
I remember how often I have told myself that I should start forgetting you and move on because if I am going to compare the moments you made me happy with the times you broke my heart, it is like comparing how many times I have seen rainbow and the rain. But when things go otherwise, I became a hopeless romantic, believing unto miracles and signs, setting my hopes high, believing unto falling in love both at the right time. My love for you changed me in a lot of ways and I am forever thankful for that. It taught me how to accept truth without getting my heart broken. It taught me that not all the love you are willing to give for someone necessarily be reciprocated, sometimes all it takes is just to give it solely without asking and demanding and expecting for anything equal in return. I know there are a lot of guys who took their guts just to tell me I should choose them instead of you, that I am not worthy of any of those heartaches you have given me because I should be loved. But to whatever ways they did just to please me, I still ended up with coming back to you not minding all the possible heartaches you will going to give.
Because I was so in love with you.
And maybe that is just it. If you love someone and even if you cannot stop the bleeding, you still found yourself being happy even being in bed of thorns because you know it was him who caused you that. Because everything in your mind says it is okay to bleed as long as the cutter is him. All the heartaches, all the moments of burning all the unsent letters with all the tears and swearing from now on i will forget you but crazily writing it again and then ended up being in a trash bin once again queued to be burn just because you don’t have the courage to send it, all the countless moments you have told yourself that you will forget him because you cannot take anymore the pain and everything was so unfair but ended up being void just because he texted you and ask how your day went that made you feel very very special is all worth it. If you love a person, you are loving their all, their flaws, their 2AM suicidal thoughts, their passion, their possession, their everything. I have loved you with all of myself even if you have just loved me a dot of it. Thank you for being my first love, for being my first unrequited love. I will be forever thankful that I was so in love with you.
1 week ago —190 notes
Girl, tingnan mong mabuti tong boyfriend ko, gwapo no? Alam mo sobrang proud ako dyan. Sobra sobra. Hindi man siya yung tipong sobrang matalino pero alam mong ginagawa niya yung best niya para maging proud sa kanya yung parents niya. Tsaka ginagawa din daw niya yun para sa future naming dalawa, ang cute no? Mga bata pa kami pero yan na agad iniisip niya, nakakatuwa. At alam mo ba sobrang pasensyoso yan. Lalo na kapag alam niyang badtrip ako. Kadalasan kasi nababadtrip ako sa school eh, tapos minsan din kapag meron ako. Isa akong bwesit na girlfriend pero hindi ko siya nakitaan na nabubwesit siya sa akin. Pumupunta yan sa bahay kapag may mood swings ako, nagdadala yan ng pagkain tapos sinasamahan niya akong manood ng movie. Ang romantic niya ano? Hindi kami yung tipong sosyal magdate pero masaya ako kapag siya kasama ko. Sobrang thankful ako kasi nagkaroon ako ng maalalahaning boyfriend kagaya niya. Tipong kapag alam niyang may sakit ako, napapraning na yan eh, mas praning pa nga kaysa kay Mama. Masyado din yang protective, ayaw niyang gumagala ako mag-isa lalo na kapag gabi. Wala na yata akong mahihiling pa eh. Kasi kahit alam niyang sobrang selosa ako, matampuhin tapos maldita eh anjan pa din siya. Alam na alam niya kung paano ako suyuin. Kapag alam niyang siya yung may problema, agad agad yan hihingi ng tawad. At ang nakakatuwa kasi hindi niya hinahayaan na hindi namin maayos yung problema namin. Grabi. Sobrang swerte ko sa boyfriend ko. Pinaparamdam niya sa akin na mahalaga ako, na sobrang mahal niya ako, na maswerte siya kasi siya yung mahal ko. Hindi ko na to pakakawalan pa itong mokong na to. Mahal ko to eh. Sobra.
Tol, tingnan mong mabuti tong girlfriend ko, ganda no? Alam mo siya yung pinakamagandang biyaya na natanggap ko. Bukod kasi sa mabait yan, alam kong mahal na mahal niya ako na sa kabila ng pagiging imperkto ko, eh hindi siya nagsasawa na ipakita sa akin na mahal niya ako. Sobrang mahal ko yan, ang cool nga niyan kasama eh kasi hindi masyadong maarte, nasasakyan niya lahat ng trip ko tsaka hindi siya mareklamo kung hindi magarbong date yung naiibigay ko sa kanya. Sabi niya kasi oras at presensya ko lang daw ang kailangan niya. Ganun din naman ako sa kanya, gusto ko siya palagi kasama ko. Clingy ako na boyfriend kung tutuusin, pero nakakatuwa kasi hindi siya nagsasawa sa mga pagpapacute ko at kabaduyan ko sa buhay. Supportive girlfriend din yan, kapag alam niyang may game ako, pumupunta yan, dinaig pa niya nanay ko kapag sobrang pawisan ko. Feeling ko nga naiinggit na yung ibang kateammate ko eh kasi iba talga mag-alaga yung girlfriend ko. Sobrang swerte ko sa kanya. Na kahit alam niyang andaming rason para iwan ako, hindi niya pa rin ginagawa. Na kahit minsan sakit ako sa ulo eh iniintindi niya pa rin ako kasi alam niyang may problema lang ako. Wala na akong mahihiling pa sa Diyos. Binigay na Niya sa akin lahat lahat eh at yun ay siya. Merong problema ang dumadating sa aming relasyon pero thankful ako kasi hindi siya bumibitiw sa akin. Kung pagmamahal lang din ang basehan, hinding hindi nagkulang ang girlfriend ko. Pinaparamdam niya sa akin araw araw yun eh at araw araw nahuhulog ako sa kanya lalo. Ang swerte ko sa kanya. Hindi ko na to pakakawalan pa. Mahal ko to eh. Sobra sobra.
1 week ago —563 notes
I am not fine. I will never be fine. And it is so shit of you to tell me everything will be alright just because nothing is permanent, just because everything is bound to change. No. Scars are permanent. I am made of scar. I am scarred. And you cannot just change that fact. You cannot change what has already been done. It is there and will forever be there. No matter how hard I try to help fix myself, to heal the bruises that is so obvious every time I cry, to bring everything back to colorful happy self, I cannot be whole again. I am a permanent scarred being. And no, just because I am already scarred doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. It hurts a lot. It hurts every time I remember everything. It even hurts when I smile. Being scarred doesn’t mean I am numb for emotions, clueless of pain. I don’t just notice them and feel them, but I feel like I live with them, breathe with them, like they’re mine, like they belong to me. Yes, I will never be fine but I am trying real hard to be fine, even just a little.
1 week ago —112 notes
This love of Isaac for Augustus, “When the scientists of the future show up at my house with robot eyes and they tell me to try them on, I will tell the scientists to screw off, because I do not want to see a world without him.” simply broke my heart.
1 week ago —40 notes
“I would like to ask a slightest favor as possible as it may seemed to me from someone like you who mean so much of what I have. Can you, by any chance, spill all your thoughts about me loving you? I just like to hear your honest opinion with no bias, or anything that may poison the truth. Don’t get me wrong for this or think that I am aggressive or desperate for reciprocation of my love that well, with all honesty, is what I always prayed to happen.
And yes, for you to know, I’m not ranting about having this pity, of all time is the clichést of all clichéd story ever written I guess, unrequited love for you because I know and I am well-reminded that no matter how hard you try, you can’t just get all that you want because I believe that not all of what you wanted deserves you but, you know, I’d like to know your thoughts about me because I am in deep misery of thinking whether I should continue loving you or just stop.
Your actions bring so much trouble that sometimes it shows the opposite of what others recursively tells me, it is kinda confusing and terrifying and I am not even a psychologically genius to fathom them. Because yes, one minute you’re like so caring and loving to me that you look like a dashing prince treating me as if I am born to be your princess and that you loved me so much. Then after, without even knowing why, I am like a stranger to you and worst, sometimes you treat me as if I don’t exist at all, like you don’t know my name.
Well then if this should be reconsidered as ranting, by means of being tired evaluating your actions towards me, asking if I am special or just another somebody, and how beautiful it was for you to use those alluring words to me and portray them into sad reality because it wasn’t maybe even real, then yes, I am ranting about it. And I am really ranting about it. Frankly to say, I don’t want to kiss your lips even if I’d longed for it just to taste your cravings for another girl every now and then.”
— I am not pathetic and I don’t want to be one, msshearty
1 week ago —72 notes
1 week ago —89 notes
Maybe I was lucky because I have given the privilege to live in this beautiful world, to see things as beautiful as the bees eating the pleasure of those flowers’ nectar, to feel the warmth and security of my mother’s hug during thunderstorms and lightning, to hear the loud heartbeat of my beloveds, to walk by in the seashore allowing the waves to drench my feet as I am enjoying the magnificent setting rays of the sun touching my skin, to witness a friend breaking down, crying but still hoping, encouraging herself a midst of everything that is awfully happening, and praying and getting up her knees once again, to gain respect from other people and make them remember my complete name along with our good memories even after not seeing for years, or simply to say that the moment I was born, I already has the ticket to experience all the amazing graces and blessings of God which is, not all the sperm cells had the chance to have. I am blessed and I have so many reasons to thank for to God, but sometimes I can’t help myself being envious with my baby brother’s fate.
He was born dead and I am forever thankful to him for being a hero. He managed well for not poisoning my mother in spite of the fact that he is dead while he is still on my mom’s tummy and for the fact that he doesn’t know much of everything, what he did was very much cool. I envy him for that kind of memory. Sometimes I wish I was him. How I wish I am worthy and valuable as he was. I wish it was me lying on that grave instead of him which is maybe six or seven feet below. I know I am not in the position to say these things because I am fortunate enough to have a life like mine now but sometimes things like I should do this because it is the right thing to do even if I don’t like doing it because it doesn’t make me happy just weigh too much in my head that I couldn’t take them anymore. Yes I do pray. I do seek help from Him, letting Him drive my life because I know His plans are way better than mine but I don’t know. There are just moments in my life that I want to shut the world down and make those people around me absorb the fact that I am not okay and I am not that good girl they always think I am. I make mistakes and they should know that!
I am so much torn between doing the things I think is right for me just because doing it is what makes me happy, and doing the things heroically, risking my happiness and just forget about it, just because they told me it is the real right thing do. I don’t know what to do. I am helpless and some people can’t just help me out because how would they help me when I even can’t help myself! I even can’t choose which road to take. I even don’t know what they meant when they say the word real. I don’t know. I want to cry. I want to show to them that what they’re doing is bleeding my inside and is tearing my heart but I stopped because I realized, what then if I’ll do it, does it help me? Would they stop and care? Would showing them my true state help me? I bet no. Life is free, I guess. You can do things you want to do in your life; screw it all you want if that is what makes you happy then do it. But you know, the truth is that you may not do the things you want to do because you are not that free to do it. Why? Because every specie has their say on it. They’ll throw bad comments about it and it will make you feel awful at yourself.
And I feel awful right at this very moment and it isn’t just a phase because I know whichever decision I’ll make, it will change my life forever.
1 week ago —65 notes
Forgive me for not doing the things I have said to you. Forgive me for being not true in my words. Forgive me because I am still reading and re-reading our late night conversations not even demurring that I have memorized them all; every letters, every periods you have used, every commas and every punctuation marks, even in every pauses you made just because I made you speechless. I should have done what I have said to you out of anger, that I will delete all the files you have tattooed in me but I can’t stand the pain of erasing them, they were already on my skin, I am wearing them. If only they were written on papers then I’ll just burn them all but no, they were scribbled in my heart.
Forgive me for playing repeatedly all the songs we have sung together during late afternoons or even when I get you to sleep. Forgive me for putting them all on my playlist and be loner and sometimes crying and locking herself in her bedroom, keeping herself away from world’s company and affection. Forgive me for listening unto them as I go to sleep or as I watch stars thinking you are doing the same thing. Forgive me for singing those songs and be reminded of you. They say you can select memories to be remembered but I am incapable. I really am sorry for not helping myself out to learn how to select memories who doesn’t involve you. I always loved remembering you.
Forgive me because I choose to memorize you even in the middle of playing in front of them as if I have an amnesia and telling my friends I already have forgotten you. Forgive me for being in love with the scars you have caused. Forgive me for not wanting to heal them. It is always been my pleasure of being hurt because of you. Forgive me for being like this. Forgive me for continuing to love you even if you had already stopped loving me a long time ago. Forgive me. It is all that I am asking from you, your forgiveness. Maybe one day I’m going to meet someone who would make me listen to those songs without being reminded of you or make me hear of the same lines you have told me without me getting hurt. Someday, maybe, I will.
2 weeks ago —212 notes
2 weeks ago —104 notes
Your voice, I admit, scares the hell out of me. I am scared because I cannot get enough of it. I want to hear it from time to time. If I have to exchange it with the songs I love to hear just to have it around me then I probably would. The way you say my name and how it would curve your lips, well damn, I am so lost in loving you. But it stabs me realizing that you only speak for my name because you have to. I am so damn jealous to see her name carve permanently on your lips, it is as if it was tattooed. Maybe if I will taste your lips then I could taste your longings for that girl. Maybe if I will kiss you then I will know how often you speak for her name; on your sleep talks without knowing you did just because your sister who heard it didn’t tell you, or with your friends just because you told them how in love you are with her, or even with your father telling him she is the girl you want to share your whole lifetime with. This thing, this whole drama loving you thing, scares me. It scares me because I’m loving the moment of hearing your voice. Your voice is a heaven I’d like to stay but a hell at the same that I am trying to escape.
2 weeks ago —94 notes
There are really moments in life that you are sure is happening even if you don’t have the evidence of seeing it. Like when we are talking, I may not see my own reflection but I am sure that my eyes are glowing and dancing with joy but it just saddens me to see the other way around in your eyes. I see nothing but pure plain of disappointment in your eyes. You are not that happy being with me because you are longing for someone else’s presence, your eyes speaks for that and it hurt me and it hurts me more because you lie to me, because you said that you are happy even if it is so damn obvious that you are not. Standing in front of you hurts me because what I see from your eyes is not my reflection but hers.
2 weeks ago —53 notes